We face an unprecedented number of complex challenges today in our modern age; but none are more threatening to the well-being and security of Americans than the terror that is the unsolicited Facebook Poke.
Not only is the Facebook Poke a clear violation of civil rights, it's also an utterly useless and meaningless interaction that only serves to interrupt what would be an otherwise productive day.
Clearly the abolition of the Facebook Poke is paramount in restoring both world order and the American economy. We urge you issue an executive order to one Mark Elliot Zuckerberg, promising swift and far-reaching consequences should this feature not be promptly removed.
Thanks, Obama. With your help, no longer will creepy dudes be able to vaguely hit on teenage girls they only sort of know.