I, James Chandler being of sound mind and fat but healthy body do humbly request permission to donate my remains as a protein and fat rich food source to the starving peoples of America and the world. This act would be effective immediately following my natural demise. I promise to remain fat but otherwise clean, healthy and free of social diseases.
Being fully aware that my natural demise may not occur for as much as 40 years I offer the following propositions:
1. Enact a policy of turning the recent deceased who have no next of kin into food for the homeless.
2. I promise to buy a Cinnebun for the first person who can tell me Mitt Romney's real first name.
3. I promise not to self-immolate for any reason until or unless it is my final barbecue.
Thank you.