In these troubling times American citizens need a new voice, a voice for freedom. The Secretary of Defense, of State, of the Treasury all fill important and worthwhile roles, but none of them speak directly for freedom. This is why we need a Secretary of Freedom, so that no cry of "Freeeedooooom!" goes unheard, so that no one is kept from wearing purple corduroy pants, and to ensure that Casual Friday remains truly casual.
In all of America there is only one man who could possibly fill this important role: Gregory Roth. Why may you ask? This is why:
1. He always lets you have the last crescent roll (Honor).
2. He beat Vladimir Putin in a starring contest (Commitment).
3. He sleeps wrapped in a double-quilted American flag (Excellence).
America, this is your man. Your freedom.