In the wake of Manti Te'o's recent unveiling of his promotional strategy for his most recent season at Notre Dame, it has come to my attention that a fake Internet Girlfriend is perhaps the best way to promote one's self.
So in the interest of the creation of a tool which all can use for greater class mobility, accessible entrepreneurship, and equality of economic capability, we ask that everyone be given a fake internet girlfriend by the U.S. Government.
Since not everyone has the capability or the heartlessness to create their own fake internet girlfriend, the United States should provide their own. The data collected by agencies through the NDAA should provide more than enough information for everyone to be provided with a girlfriend with a backstory created by the Government