Ban the cereals' tyranny and establish muffins in their place

For a long time, cereal has been in power, corrupting the minds and hearts of the American people. This seemingly innocuous breakfast item has a well-hidden dark side that most people have not seen, performing unspeakable acts. However, new statistics have shown that muffins are on the rise. Muffins are the best counter to cereal at the moment, so we must rise up and strike! Free America from muffins!