This petition is intended to get Mike Hidalgo Pittman to shave his Amish beard and mustache for the betterment of humanity everywhere. We, The People of the United States, believe that Mr. Pittman is better than the common hipster found within Austin Texas or Seattle Washington, and should groom himself accordingly.
We, The People of the United States, believe that once Mr. Pittman shaves his Amish beard and mustache combo, and the AMERICAN PEOPLE look upon is newly VIRGIN, ANGELIC face, a new era of enlightenment and peace shall follow. We believe that the moment his newly shorn semblance appears, the world shall be expunged from evil.
Thusly, it is up to Mr. Pittman to save the human race. He must be our Superman and, unlike Samson, must lose his hair to save us from ourselves