June 14th, the birth date of Chris Onstad, creator of Achewood, shall be made a national holiday throughout the United States, its territories and possessions. Since June 14th is also Flag Day, a new honor shall be created to commemorate this holiday: flying the flag at One-and-a-Half Staff. To further honor the seminal American author of the 21st century, the current military rank of "Lieutenant," (a terrible name, from the Latin locum tenens, meaning "placeholder") shall be replaced with the new rank of "Chochacho." The Navy and Coast Guard shall add the rank of "Chochacho Junior Grade."
Presidential debates shall be replaced with Sapphic Erotica competitions, and the State of the Union Address shall become the Sapphic Erotica Address. Crispy Stellas shall be consumed.