October 8th, 2014 marked a devastating day when the first ever sloth born by Cesarean section died from heart and lung problems. One day later the mother died from a head injury. This tragic tale is not without a silver lining. These two heroic sloths died in the process of drastically advancing sloth medical science. C-sections can now be successfully performed for sloths with birthing complications all around the world. No longer will these leisurely, amiable animals be sacrificed to nature's cruelties.
We the People implore Mr. Obama to make October 8th "National Sloth Memorial Day" in tribute of these brave souls. On this day Americans will be encouraged to channel the sloth's most noble attributes: eat a lot, sleep at least 10 hours, move as little as possible, and don't work.