When in the Course of SEC football season, it becomes necessary for one player to dissolve opposing defenses which have stymied all other foes, and to assume among the powers of the earth those reserved only for immortals, the separate and clearly unequal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare Johnny Football Manziel the only valid candidate for Heisman.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all quarterbacks are created equal, that Johnny Football was endowed by his Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are flawless passing, awe inspiring running and the pursuit of absolute dominance.