Declare Major League Baseball Opening Day a National Day of Mourning.

MLB Opening Day is more than just the beginning of the season. It’s a symbol of mourning. The end of real sports as signaled by the return of pro baseball. We realize all our favorite shows will now be preempted by hours of men standing around, chewing gum and scratching themselves. We feel the life drain out of us and so we either slump into a deep sleep until Football begins or dash outside to recover our life force. Opening Day brings with it the promise of a summer of no watchable sporting events. Every fan is in good spirits. The rest of us, not so much. Join us in our quest to make sure every American can exercise their inalienable right to mourn the day those two terrifying words are uttered for the first time: “PLAY BALL!"