Americans have a long love affair with baked goods. A warm cookie, a sweet cinnamon roll, a freshly-baked pie. These are simple pleasures. These are honorable pleasures. These are the pleasures of freedom.
Poisoning our enjoyment, however, is an insidious enemy, one who threatens our citizens -- nay, our very democracy.
The raisin.
Nothing but dry grape corpses, raisins hide in our pastries, blasting their hideously pervasive flavor into our mouths, like the hot oaths of a thousand blasphemers. Most unforgivably, they sow the seeds of doubt in the chocolate chip cookie industry. Who among us hasn't bit into a cookie, steeling themselves for the sumptuous cacao tsunami, and instead reel backwards in shocked horror? I weep to think of my fallen brothers.
Denounce raisins, Obama. Save us.