direct Congress to ban all forms of stupidity such as, but not limited to issuing petitions to secede from the Union.

People who petition for their state to leave the Union because they don't like the current President are stupid and clearly know nothing of the true issues relevant to secession, historically or otherwise. These are no doubt the same brand of people who robotically pledge allegiance to "one nation, indivisible." Those who would initiate such a petition, or sign one, without having done the research on the antebellum period of American history or familiarized themselves with modern secession movements (Kurds, Kashmiris, Tibetans, etc.) are worse than the problem they decry. This is a great lesson for students of history and government; legitimate use of 1st Amendment protections versus the use of those protections in calamitously stupid ways.