We petition President Barack Obama in his role as Commander in Chief to declare Puxatawney Phil along with all other radicalized rodents of the species Marmota monax (i.e. groundhogs) a terrorist threat to the sanity of Americans, and that he issue an executive order authorizing any U.S. resident to kill groundhogs on sight regardless of any state or local law or ordinance related to wildlife management or possession or discharge of a firearm.
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