Too long has "Ms. Winfrey" (as her acolytes call her) been a plague and a burden on this nation. Her very presence is offensive to the American spirit and way of life, and her demonic influence on the youth of America cannot go ignored. There is no easy solution to this problem, but we believe that a summary execution is the nearest we can get to ridding our country of the menace named Oprah Winfrey. The resources needed for this undertaking are relatively few: 1) a motley yet resourceful band of demon-hunters 2) the ancient map to her ice-fortress in Alaska 3) 100 cans of industrial-strength garlic spray 4) a stake made of wood from the holy cross to plunge through her cold, dead heart. God willing, Washington will hear the cries of the people and end this menace once and for all.
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