We the undersigned hereby demand that President Barack H. Obama, hereafter “POTUS,” fulfill the implied will of the people with regards to the annual Thanksgiving Turkey Pardon. POTUS supervised a binding web vote between poultry-Americans “Popcorn” and “Caramel,” promising to spare the life of the winner. Popcorn won the vote, but then POTUS revealed that both turkeys would be allowed to live. Is this the democracy the pilgrims fought and ate dinner for? We think not. Therefore, we the people ask that POTUS summarily execute Caramel at a time and place of his choosing. Justice must be served. Preferably with a side of mashed potatoes and candied yams.
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