We the People hereby petition the Government of the United States to assassinate Punxsutawney Phil, a US national animal, for the following high crimes and misdemeanors:
- Conspiracy to commit terrorist acts on US soil to alter the climate of the United States and misleading the public as to the true nature of the threat.
- Engaging in said conspiracy to mislead United States citizens via the issuance of false winter forecasts and thereby endangering and weakening the USA by six more weeks of winter to the advantage of our enemies.
- Engaging in treason against the USA by handing over the security of the USA to the supporters of winter, notably the Canadians, for the purposes of conquest.
We hereby request the President execute a drone strike on this US national animal for our security.