force the American Film Institute to award the title of "Greatest Movie of All Time" to "Commando" (1985).

1998 was a year filled with important events. The Euro was introduced, Russia fought to avert financial collapse, and Monica Lewinsky started voting Republican because the Democrats left a bad taste in her mouth. But one Earth-shattering, Anti-Christ summoning atrocity was left unmentioned by the State, the media, and the silver tongue of Billy Mays (Peace be upon him). Ladies, gentlemen, and the sexually confused, this atrocity was the American Film Institute's obscene decision to name Citizen Kane the greatest film of all time. Offensive, yes I know. Sure, it has excellent framing and shot composition, but does it have ballistic knives, throwable phone booths, or John Matrix feeding a fawn on a mountain top? I call on President Obama to abuse his power and right this wrong immediately!