Google's Hangouts messaging software automatically replaces the emoticon :3 with an emoji of a cat. This is all well and good, but the cat does resemble the emoticon in the slightest.
The emoticon conveys a curious mix of satisfaction and sheepishness. The emoticon is aware of the quality of its contributions but, displaying great modesty, keeps its pride in check. It gives a voice to the hard-working yet humble people that make up the backbone of this great nation.
The emoji, by contrast, is an unsettling disaster. It seems to hide a secret unknown - perhaps unknowable - to good, honest folk. Its leering grin exposes what appear to be human teeth. I cannot bear the sight of it and no American should have to.
Mr. President, please take swift executive action to right this wrong.