My Australian friend James has just had a son.
We the people petitioned him to change the son's name to Garp - an issue of global importance.
But he refused, thus putting in jeopardy the peace and freedom of Western civilisation.
We therefore call on President Obama to act with immediate action - to ensure America takes unilateral action to ensure James' son grows up with the best of life's opportunities. And names.
To allow anything less would represent a total shirking of our duties as leaders of the Free World. Also Australia.
Thank you and God Bless.