When in the course of Human events, a group of people manifest themselves to be so out of touch with reality that they think that petitioning the White House to break up the various states of the Union is a good idea, it becomes necessary to formally declare those petitioners to be "Delusional Ding-Dongs," or "Pathetic Poopy-Heads."
(your choice)
In addition, We humbly beseech the Federal Government to send these miscreant children straight to bed without their usual cookies and milk.