Inspired by the proposal by Jon Stewart, we petition the United States Government to provide a fake twitter girlfriend for every US citizen in order to provide comfort and support, increase the self-esteem of society, and to show unifying support for the struggles of Notre Dame Football Player Manti Te'o.
The fake twitter girlfriend initiative serves to be the a major platform to raise the perceived value of life for many of the nationals single adults, which will in turn decrease the rate of suicide deaths.
The initiative can be operated either by employed workers using twitter accounts to communicate with people, or alternatively through a system of automated answers, responses, and sexy pictures sent to every twitter account in order to simulate conversation.