This is a petition to get Derek Dooley hired as head coach of the American Football Conference Tennessee Titans.
He was unfairly tasked to coach the University of Tennessee Volunteer football program that was left in shambles by a rotund doughnut eater, an African well-digger, a booger eater, a lying, thief-in-the-night named Kiffin, and a defensive guru associated with tacos. He failed at this task, however, as most football fans would tell you, it was an impossible task to begin with.
So, I ask all Americans to join me in making Derek “Precious” Dooley the next Titans head coach. We need great leaders. He is a man amongst men, a hero amongst heroes, a ceramic dog amongst ceramic dogs, a ladies' man, a momma's boy, and he has perfect hair. Please sign this petition.