I, Chris Robbins, of sound mind and low brain activity, petition the Obama administration to remove my penis and replace it with a stop watch.
Background-
In 2013 I was riding my bicycle past a farm. I then noticed a sweaty farmer swinging a pitchfork. It was then I noticed the bulge in my pants. I was erect. It was this incident that lead to me moving to San Francisco to pursue a career in man on man adult films. When those dreams failed, I turned to drugs. I slept on the streets with a couple of unclean men one night and contracted three STD's. Which I then spread throughout the Bay Area.
Instead of having a penis that is a weapon hurting people, I would like it replaced with a stop watch so they can ask for the time. Also the farmer has to do it, with his teeth.
-Chris Robbins