March 4th, 2013, marks 100 years since William Howard Taft left the white house, taking with him the last bit of facial hair ever to grace a Commander in Chief. Since that day, not a single American President has sported so much as a five o'clock shadow - devolving American into a constant state of warfare, social injustice, and smooth, boyish leaders who's bare faces welcome the raised palm of our enemies.
In times of economic uncertainty, social change, and globalization, there is only one way to say collectively, as a nation, that we are in control and ready for any challenge -
And that is with a bearded President.
We therefore petition Barack Obama to grow a beard, mustache, or some form of goatee before March 4th; ending the 100 year oppression of Presidential facial hair.