We, the undersigned, hereby petition the Obama Administration to direct the Center for Disease control to determine what causes the disease known as conservatism, to determine the nature of the pathogen or toxins which cause conservatism, and to establish Texas as a quarantine zone for all persons who carry this disease until a cure can be found.
Conservatism is a widespread disease with symptoms such as delusions (e.g. the belief this nation is a Christian theocracy rather than a republic), paranoia (e.g. our president is the next Hitler / antichrist), low IQ, and rampant hypocrisy among others. The fact that 47% of the U.S. population shows these symptoms, furthermore, is evident that a zombie apocalypse may currently be developing making it crucial that action be taken expeditiously.