A national tragedy occurred on April 1st, 2014.
One of our countless national treasures, a sparkling diamond in an ocean of less-sparkly diamonds, a brilliant example of American exceptionalism and a product of American freedom; Tiger Woods announced he will not be competing in the Masters tournament held at Augusta National Golf Club later this month. Tiger's recent surgery to relieve chronic back pain has rendered him unable to golf competitively as of this moment.
Mr. President, it is our opinion, and the opinion of all good and honest Americans, and the opinion of all fans of sport around the world, that this situation needs immediate rectification. You must make research into recovery processes that will heal Tiger (before practice rounds begin on April 7th) a national priority.