make it an official requirement that anybody who signs a petition to secede shall forever forth be known as a douchebag.

Any and all who signed petitions to secede from the union are douchebags, and thus, we, the people of the United States, wish to have the White House officially recognize the secessionists as such. This is a simple, modest proposal, and should only require about 2-3 minutes of the President's time, on national television.