PRESIDENT OBAMA,
WE THE UNDERSIGNED WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO NAME THE DATE OF MARCH 28 "MARK HOPPER DAY", TO HONOR A GREAT SCHOLAR, A WISE THINKER, AND A TRUE CHAMPION OF HUMAN RIGHTS.
WHEN MARK HOPPER WAS BORN, BIGFOOT-TYPE CREATURES ROAMED THE COUNTRYSIDE.
SINCE HIS BIRTH, NOT ONE CREATURE CAN BE PROVED IN EXISTENCE.
WHEN MARK HOPPER WAS BORN, HOSTILITIES BETWEEN RUSSIA AND THE UNITED STATES WERE ESCALATING INTO A COLD WAR. MARK HOPPER PUT AN END TO THIS COLD WAR, AND NOW, THE USA COUNTS RUSSIA AS AN ALLY (KINDA).
PRIOR TO MARK HOPPER'S BIRTH, FREE-RANGE CHICKENS TERRORIZED THE COUNTRY, MUCH LIKE THE MONGOLIANS DID BACK IN THE UM,... MONGOLIAN TIMES. MARK HOPPER PUT AN END TO THIS, AND NOW CHICKENS LIVE IN FEAR.
WE ASK YOU, FOR OUR CHILDREN'S FUTURE.
I LIKE SWEET TEA, TOO.