My fellow citizens, for too long we have struggled under the lack of certainty that we will be able to get sloshed on St. Patrick's day without fear. This fear is that of not being able to awake the following morning and rise to the challenges that our country expects us to complete for our collective prosperity.
By recognizing this holiday on a Saturday each year, we will provide countless Americans with the opportunity to indulge in a guilt-free celebration of the life of St. Patrick, which will bring increased unity to our country in these divided times. There are no democrats or republicans when partying it up St. Patty's style. Just Americans. Americans and their beer.
Furthermore, increased St. Patricks day participation brings more sales to small businesses which sell alcohol.