Mr. President,
Many states have petitioned the government to be allowed to secede from the United States. These petitions were intended to reflect the views of citizens living in those states. However, these petitions have been distorted by fraudulent signatures coming from people who live in other states. I request that you take the following actions:
1. Nullify all online petitions for secession, and require that states present their requests in writing--verifying that all signers of the petition are both legal citizens of the United States and registered voters of the state requesting secession.
2. Those who fraudulently signed an online petition for a state they do not live in should be sent a free tube of Preparation H, to help soothe their affliction from a widespread malady.