We the people of the great nation of the United States of America do see that in today's world the Federal Government has not always led our citizens justly and with honor. However, we acknowledge that a government of humans is subject to the human condition, and can therefore only function as any other human would: with self-interest before all else.
We therefore, as other humans of this great country, do believe that it is time to take matters upon ourselves and to point out the folly of those who would suggest a better path through secession. Please do what is just and right and revoke all these fatuous secession petitions.
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark." -- George Carlin