We, the signed below, request that the administration peacefully grant all calls for secession, granting all such lands liberty and status as independent nations.
After this is accomplished, we request that the administration peacefully deport all petitioners for secession to their new lands (This is extremely cost effective, as it would require no transportation costs).
Finally, we request that the administration declare it was just kidding about secession, and leave the deported people in their same original homes, but charge them each one dollar for the trouble, and use this money to peacefully buy ice cream cones for all children in states that didn't call for secession.