It has come to my attention, as a lifelong Mississippian, that a few noble souls among our ranks are petitioning you to permit us to secede.
No. Please, no.
I mean, have you met our governor? His hair is nothing short of glorious, but there's something vaguely sketchy about leaving 193-nation bilateral talks in the hands of a guy whose ringtone plays the theme to the "Dukes of Hazzard."
This is independent of the fact that Mississippi, our nation's poorest state, is ranked tenth in per-capita spending. The federal government shells out an average of $1,900 for each of our three million citizens. If we seceded, our state would look like a "Mad Max" theme park.
Just keep us. I remember when you visited Jackson, Mr. President, and we both know Mississippi is a good investment.