Due to the costs associated with the secession of one or more states from the Union, not to mention the havoc that would be wreaked upon the NCAA if we were to lose the State of Texas, we ask that the Obama administration deny requests that any state be allowed to secede from the Union, and instead implement policies that will induce these secessionists to self-deport.
Such policies may include, but are by no means limited to, the following:
- Reinstatement of the assault weapons ban
- Federal recognition of same-sex marriage
- Comprehensive immigration reform
- A mandatory fine of not less than $500 for publicly wearing any headwear colloquially referred to as a "trucker hat"
We call on the administration to enact these measures as soon as possible, in order to preserve our Union.