Last week over one quarter of the Canadian strategic maple syrup reserve was stolen. While no direct link to terrorism has yet been unveiled, interruption of the free flow of this sugary, viscous deliciousness to the US threatens to undermine the American way of life.
We do not believe that Canada, with its small population, obscure sports and cheep prescription drugs, is capable of addressing this looming catastrophe on its own.
Therefore we demand that the White House pursue any and all actions necessary to protect the American maple syrup supply, including, if necessary, autonomous military action, establishment of an independent Quebec under US protection, annexation of Vermont and cancellation of the NHL season.