In the interests of ending the current glut of frivolous online petitions, and thus restoring their appropriate value as a tool in public governance, we hereby ask that the administration take immediate action against those responsible for 'We the People'.
More specifically, for their role in leaving the public exposed to endless harping on about secessionist movements, we respectfully request responsible parties be isolated away from their colleagues and subjected to the slow exhalation of breath followed by the repetition of their first name in an exasperated tone.