We, the undersigned, hereby petition the Obama administration to provide those who wish to secede from the Union the necessary costs of deportation to Trump Islands, Antarctica. As true Americans, we realize the necessity of keeping our country united against all enemies, foreign and domestic. However, we are not without compassion. Therefore, we are willing to pay any and all monies needed to remove said domestic enemies, provided they're relocated to the Trump Islands, and only the Trump Islands. We will even design their new country's flag, which will read: "Don't tread on my penguin." Furthermore, as compassionate Americans, we hereby promise not to raise the prices of our pizzas by 15 cents to cover said costs. And no one will be asked to provide their birth certificate.
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