The 1988 movie "Heathers" contains many important truths about contemporary social issues such as suicide, teenagers, media sensationalism, bullying, moral panics, homophobia, and sexism. Yet again and again, our cultural debates are polluted by people making arguments that "Heathers" has clearly rendered untenable. We petition the White House to advance a law requiring all Americans to have seen "Heathers," and to pass a basic comprehension test proving that they have absorbed the movie's key points. Those not willing or able to do so should be allowed to bypass the requirement by having the single word "eskimo" tattooed somewhere on their body.
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