Require any State that wishes to secede from the Union to take the Kardashian family in the "divorce".

Seceding from the Union is just as ridiculous as the Kardashian family. If any State wishes to secede, then they must be required to take the entire Kardashian family with them as a final parting gift to the States remaining in the Union. They can be installed as your figureheads of state, much like the monarchy of the UK. All in all, the United States will be better off.