- As America is the greatest country in the world;
- As millions of Americans fight for our freedoms every day;
- As millions more people fight to become citizens of this great land every day;
- As Russia is a country with none of those things;
- As such, the Alaska Secessionists insult our country and the founders
- As such, the Alaska Secessionists have proven their great disdain for our country;
- And as such, they are a threat to the very security and institutions that are American
We, therefore, petition the White House and President Barack Obama to-
- revoke the citizenship of every person who signs the petition to give "Alaska .back to Russia"
- purchase said people a one-way ticket to Moscow
- place every said people on the Homeland Security "Do Not Fly" List