Martin Shkreli, bro-douche extraordinaire, has rendered life-saving pharmaceuticals unaffordable, engaged in securities fraud, and purchased the sole copy of a Wu-Tang clan album.
He subjects us to his attempts at rapping on television. He defends his oppression of the poor on the grounds that he is helping them. He represents everything wrong with the super-rich in this country.
We, the undersigned, hereby petition our government to begin punishing those who are actual dangers to society instead of continually locking up the poor for drug crimes. We propose that the government begin with the public stoning of Martin Shkreli. The government should sell tickets to this glorious public event, and then use the proceeds to make health care more accessible to the poor.