Whereas the Chicago Bears have lost 4 of their past 5 games.
Whereas the Chicago Bears had started the season 7-1.
We of the Chicago Bear fan family request a bailout and/or stimulus package to save our season.
Mr. President,
This bailout can come in any form you wish.
This includes the possibility of enacting an executive order to suspend Aaron Rodgers for the remainder of the season, or placing Notre Dame's Manti T'eo on the Chicago Bear's roster to replace the injured Brian Urlacher.
We also request a red jersey for Jay Cutler to wear during every game. Any hit on Jay Cutler should result in a 15 yard penalty.
Please take this request seriously, and we appreciate a response.